Re-entering Sucks

An excerpt from Amanda Jensen’s blog…if you haven’t checked it out, you’re missing out! Amanda is a thoughtful writer and accomplished photographer but an even more amazing “giver of her heart.”

I was taking pictures of Margine.

She posed in a tiny red chair wearing her giant cheesy grin.

Suddenly: out of no where, and out of character, Elias came over, knelt down, and gently took her hand.

And then my heart melted.
I miss them so much still. So much so, that several times a day I still get lost in memories of them and I (literally) feel like I’m kicked in the chest and I lose my breath. I am overwhelmed and reminding myself to take deep breaths. Still. I feel like I’m some sort of a ghost who doesn’t really belong anywhere at the moment. Not here, and not there. Today on the train I looked out the window and prayed “where am I?” In America we expect ourselves to bounce back from things quickly- to get over it- to move on- to forge our way through. And that’s what I expected of myself coming back here once again. I expected to need a little while to adjust. I’ve done the whole re-entering thing before. It always stinks, but it’s an important thing to go through. It’s just different this time. The bouncing back, and the feeling alright… it’s not really happening yet. Some days are better than others. And I should have known. I am far too sensitive, and far too in love with those kids to have been completely ‘ok’ after just one month back in the States… It’s so strange. And so hard to explain. I don’t expect this to make much sense to people… and I know by now that no one can or does understand exactly where I’m coming from with this (that sounds like an angsty teenage comment, but believe me it’s the truth). Just know that I’m not bouncing back yet. But I’m trying so hard. And I’m praying. And I see all the goodness and blessings in my life and I thank the Lord for them every day.  And I know that God is working on my soul. And those kids are a part of me now, and that’s worth it. And I know that none of this is wasted. Everything is ok- and everything is going to be ok. I wouldn’t change a thing.  I really mean it.

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