A Part of Me

This past weekend was Father's Day. It was my first Father's Day without a father to celebrate with. All day long, I fielded questions of “How are you doing?” It’s nice to be asked. It's been seven months since we lost Dad, and the wound is still fresh. It’s nice to know that people still think about us and ask.

When grieving, I’ve learned the hard way, the question “How are you doing?” is difficult to answer. It honestly depends on the day, or sometimes, on the hour (or even the minute.) The strangest things will remind me of him and I really do see him in everything.

I always find inspiration for a devotion when I watch the Tony Awards (my awards show vice of the year.) This year, a few weeks before the Tony’s, the cast of the Award Winning musical Dear Evan Hansen released a “deluxe” edition of the soundtrack. It included the original soundtrack (with a few pop artists’ covers) as well as a few deleted songs that were cut from the final Broadway performance.

One of these cut songs, is called “A Part of Me.” It was written as the original Act 1 finale, and is the funeral scene for the character who died in the first act. I think it accurately answers the grieving question of “How are you doing?”

The chorus sings:

“A part of me/ finds a hope in holding on
A part of me/won’t give up what isn’t gone
A part of me/wants to share the hurt and heartache/that I felt that day/when you took away
A part of me

A part of me/needs a way to say goodbye
A part of me/now remembers how to cry
A part of me/wants to share the hurt and heartache/so the world can see/that you’ll always be
A part of me

A part of me/can’t believe it’s even real
A part of me/doesn’t know how much to feel
A part of me/finds a rush within the pain
A part of me/needs the feeling to remain
A part of me/wants to share the hurt and heartache/so the world can see/that you’ll always be...”

Grieving isn’t linear. There are lots of parts. Every moment is filled with complicated emotions.

And in reality, none of our lives or emotions are simple. Every moment is always complicated. I’ve always taken great comfort in Ecclesiastes 3:4 when the author says, “There is a time for everything...a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.

Not all days of grief are bad, and not all days are good. Somedays, you weep. Somedays you laugh. Somedays, you mourn. Somedays, you dance. Somedays, a part of you does all of these things at once.

If you’d like to hear the whole song, here is a link to the lyrics video on Youtube.

Zach Herzog

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